The Dragon in My Closet

It happened again today.

I called my mother today to check in, say hello, and to tell her I was sending her important things in the mail.  Within two minutes of hello she had asked me about my weight.  If  had lost any, if I was skinny yet.   This time I was ready.  I could answer, " Yes, I have lost weight."  I know, I was digging for a compliment.  What I got was, "You are getting there."

What the heck, Mom!..

Last time I checked I was an adult. I am almost 55 years old and her comments still really hurt. Why do I need her approval?  Why is this emotional dragon still in my closet?  Who has the key to let him out?  Obviously my mother does.

Emotional scars from being over weight  all my life.  They follow me.  They build huge brick walls that keep me safe from the outside world.  Scars whisper excuses into my brain.   Scars turn me toward baggy clothes.  Clothes that hide the bubbly awesome person inside me.  Scars of my father never telling me I was beautiful. He called me fat,  he took food off of my plate at dinner and gave it to my brother.  Scars of my mother (to this day) asking me if I have lost any weight.  Not hello, how are you but, what do you weigh? That dragon living in my closet he tears at my heart every day.

For the last 13 weeks,  I have been coached by Matt Hartsky at Transform 307. He does not know it but he has helped me slay a few dragons.  He creates workouts, directs nutrition and tells me I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I have gained strength, fitness and lost 28 pounds.  Most important I am gaining  self confidence.

Yes, Mom, I am getting there.  I am becoming my own person.

I bought some new clothes the other day.  Smaller in size than what I would normally buy.  My weight loss has a side effect. Clothes are getting baggy.  Not just baggy but too big.  (I have never had the too big problem in my life!)

Yesterday the delivery came.  Four new items.  I opened the box pulled them out and froze like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck.  They all looked to small.  I laid them all out on the kitchen table.  Did four laps around the table looking at them from all sorts of angles.  Finally I decided to try them on.   Maybe, in the security of my own home, with nobody watching, I could pretend they fit.

I have not been so nervous since that first workout at Transform307 in July.  Trying on those four items, one whole size smaller than my old size was petrifying.  "Please, God let these fit!"  I can't return them they were on ultra sale.

 And guess what! They do!!!! I am that small after all!

By all means, what size I wear does not define who I am.  I was beautiful before Transform307.  I am the same person now in my heart.  That said, life is easier being smaller and stronger.  Movement is easier. Daily struggles are easier.  (Workouts at the gym are harder!)

Brick walls are being torn down. There is no room for excuses in my life.  No room for those pesky emotional dragons. I like who I am, who I am becoming.

I have just slayed one dragon in my closet. He has been there since I was a young.   I am sure he has a few ugly brothers I have yet to deal with.

I have come to the realization that I am beautiful!  I am strong.  I am getting healthy.  Just like that dreaded step up bench at the gym,  I have conquered.  I am ready for more.  I am taking the fight to the gym, to life.

Get out of my way! I have more work to do.

September 2018
(-15 pounds)

August 2018
It was this picture that made me
decide to find help with my weight/fitness.

The transformation is starting to be visibly noticeable!

October 16, 2018
(-28 pounds)

More info about Transform 307  go to www.transform307.com

Rowdy Gowdy/ Glendo Endo and the greatness of women only retreats.

"I am thinking about putting together a women's only mountain bike weekend.  Would you be willing in helping me?"  This was a request from a good friend.  (We shall call her Friend JH.) Two years and three retreats ago, this how it all started for me. I became part of the Rowdy Gowdy  Mountain Bike Weekend and it's sister weekend the Glendo Endo. 

Though I am not a mountain biker, (the last time I rode the trails, a squirrel hit me in the helmet with a pine cone, in the effort to avoid said pine cone, I hit a tree with my knee and was lucky I was biking with a nurse).  I am a planner, organizer and a great large group cook.  The idea of women getting together on common ground of mountain biking, appealed to me.  There was no way I was going to be left out.  Friend  JH  did not know of my need to feed the masses, take care of all and stock outhouses with toilet paper.

Day 2 

First lets take the man out of the equation.  Why?  There is a different atmosphere with just women. We party, we dance, we laugh, we paint, we hug, drink beer, listen to each other and so much more. These retreats give us women a chance to do it ourselves, be strong, know our judgment is solid.  We have no safety net except ourselves.  We slow down just a bit.  Take time to learn skills. Coaches teach us different. They are also women, they understand our issues. We are great together.

Riding the boxes

 I have been married for over 30 years. Yes, to a man. I tend to like men. Some of my best friends are men.  But, there are still times I do things looking for my husband's approval, a little head shake, a thumbs up when I row through that  huge rapid, words of encouragement to send me down that ski hill way out of my comfort zone. I will admit, I have done some crazy (in my mind), things just to keep up.  Just to prove I am a s good as he is at ___________(fill in the blank).  I don't know why when we around men we are different.  We just are.

Getting coached over the box!

Women only retreats give us the opportunity to say, "no thank you, I am not comfortable, please slow down, I still do not get what I am doing wrong or I need help."  They give us the opportunity to support each other.  There is victory in little accomplishments.  There is understanding in frustrations.  There is security in numbers.  

Biking off picnic tables may be necessary
sometime.

Being a woman is strong.   We praise, we grow, we feel great inside our hearts.  We seek to know more about each other than what kind of a bike we ride.  "How is your family? You are limping.  What did you do?"  Some of us are mothers or wives.  We spend much of our time taking care of others.  Dinners, school lunches, laundry, work issues, homework, watching our kids play sports, etc.  This is our time to be the center, to demand someone pay attention to me, if only for a few seconds at a time. 

Taco Bar for dinner

I begged to work these retreats. The first time, Friend JH did not know how much I need them. Cooking is my stress relief.  Taking care of others blesses me.  With help of my daughter and and yet another friend, we provide all the meals for the masses for the retreats.  I leave these weekends with a very full heart.

For a weekend I get to be in a community of great women.  I have the opportunity to feed their stomachs.  I admit I am selfish.  I love the praise I get for a well cooked meal.  I get to see gals roll their eyes in delight when eating frozen treats after hot rides.  I have the privilege to stock toilet paper in the outhouse.  Little things mean a lot.  I experience  the pride and joy in their faces when they share accomplishments of the day. It is crazy how proud of bumps, scrapes and blood mountain bikers are!



This last retreat I was given the opportunity of befriending the Glendo State Park employee assigned to watch over us.  Her loneliness hurt my heart.  I hope by inviting her to share our meals, share our community, I was able to bring her a bit of friendship.

There is no doubt that in these weekend retreats the ladies ride hard.  That is the main focus.  There is so much more.  I think it is joy.

I AM WOMAN!  HEAR ME ROAR! 

For more information for either the Rowdy Gowdy or the Glendo Endo    https://gowdywomenscamp.com

Sea Kayaking with the Gals

Recently I was blessed to be included on a sea kayak adventure on Yellowstone Lake.  We would start at Grant Village spend 3 nights and 4 days, paddling to the upper part of the South Arm of the lake and then back to Grant.  Four days fifty miles of shoreline.


I did not know it at the time, but the team ended up consisting of six pretty amazing gals.  Me included.  I was the only non scientist in the group.  Our trip leader is THE fish biologist on Yellowstone Lake.  The other four ladies were fishery biologists, raised fish in the hatchery, or worked on developing riparian environments in the Yellowstone ecosystem.  (Like my new tech talk!) Every day I was amazed at the commitment these ladies have toward saving our wild lands for future generations.  Their ability to paddle in the wind was also impressive.

Pie for dessert the last night. 

I think the rangers that conducted our boat inspections before we put in at Grant were surprised that we were a ladies only team.  That we were brave enough to go forth and conquer.  Intending to paddle 50 miles.  Let me say... Ladies only trips are the best.  We constantly look out for each other.  Shared dinners are
amazing.  There is no trying to keep up, impress or be more than we are.  Sometimes men bring this out in us, just by being there.

 I had never packed a sea kayak for a trip.  Amazingly it all fit.  Only one dry bag tied to the top.  Being an inflatable boat kind of a gal this was going to be a new experience for me.  I was nervous.

Paddling in choppy waters.

We took off in wind gusts of 15-20 mph.   The swells on the lake made me whimper.  My boat would tip, I would brace and pray.  I thought it  was my inexperience.  That evening in camp, everybody was saying they were scared.  I felt a touch better and tougher.

Morning sun

Watching the sun come up.

The next mornings we got up early.  Paddled hard. Took time to absorb or be absorbed by the moment.

Modern Facilities. 

We were deep into the back country of Yellowstone.  No boardwalks, no paved roads, no flushing toilets.  Just us, our boats, camping gear and the apple pie, our trip leader pulled out of her kayak for the last dinner together.   After bear proofing our camp, we went to bed listening to the elk bugle..  We woke to magnificent sunrises, still waters and the smell of instant coffee.
Mountains, sunsets, sunrises, eagles, dead trees, solitude.

Taking in the view.

 I was awestruck by the bigness of Yellowstone Lake.  It is truly an inland sea.  One beach was made of shiny black pebbles, probably rocks from the volcano.  Footprints of various animals were everywhere.  They had left their calling cards.. This was their home, I was the visitor.




This is not a trip for the faint of heart.  We supported ourselves.  We knew the possibility of bears or other animals.  We found out  even elk can be unpredictable if surprised.  We were at the mercy of the weather.  This is why we went.  For these type of trips draw a certain woman.

My gear drying in the sunset

More light on the water

Always s'mores when camping

I was told the presence of eagles means the lake is getting healthy.

It Will Feel Better When It Quits Hurting....

"It will feel better when it quits hurting." 

Lets face it squats and lunges hurt.  Mentally and physically.  Who in their right mind would agree to an hour of doing just squats and lunges? Who in their right mind would design a workout using those basic moves? (OK, I think we did 5 variations of said squats/lunges.)   Well,  Matt Hartsky at Transform307  did design the workout.  He is my coach/personal trainer.   I trust him to tell me what to do.  I blindly follow his instructions.  Insert the saying at the top of the page.... Yes, I pay in money for this pain. Go figure.

This is  week 10 with Matt as my Personal Trainer.  I am down 19 pounds and up in fitness.  My vertical jump has gone from a zero to maybe 2 inches!  As Matt says, I now own the step up box.  It does not scare me anymore.  (The box and I had issues six weeks ago.  It won. Never again!) That large tractor tire in the parking lot, it does scare me a little bit.

Why do I hurt? In Video game talk, we have leveled up. Taken the intensity up a notch. Matt being the person behind the plan and the one to direct me through workouts.  (I think he is slightly masochistic.) Me working through the hour, leaving a trail of sweat puddles.   I am told that the pain is micro tears in my muscle. When it heals, and quits hurting, I am stronger.  I should be really strong. I am sore a lot.   Ibuprofen is my friend.

This kind of training is what I have missed all of my life.  I never did it even as a serious athlete in college. I have done Step, Zumba, yoga, karate etc.  They are not the same.  I never had a coach with my goals in mind, pushing me to be my best every day.

It is not just the workouts but nutrition.  The combination of both has melted 19 pounds off my body.  Let me yell this out loud.. 19 pounds down!  I have struggled all my life with weight issues.  I have hovered at 200 pounds for so long I was comfortable being that chubby person.  The switch in thinking about nutrition has been hard but a huge part of my journey.  Matt is not only a certified trainer but a certified nutritionist.  He made it easy for me.  His attention to details in telling me how and when to eat, made it so I do not count calories, grams of carbs or other nutrients.  I just do what he tells me to.  Fitness, plus nutrition equals results!

I have a facebook friend, Tim, who works with my son,  he has lost over 175 pounds.  Over 1/2 of his body weight.  He did it the easy way. He had surgery.  Anyway, his last post was to tell everyone that loosing the weight gave him his life back.  I am right behind him taking my life back as well. I can't wait to find adventures to tackle.  Bring it on!

Ski season is going to be a little expensive as I am now too light for my skis.  Oh darn!  I might have to get new ones! Fast ones!

Well, off to the gym tomorrow.  I am a little afraid and slightly excited to see what Matt has in store for me.

Successful.  Wanting more.

 Information about Transform307  go to   www.transform307.com

Down 9 pounds!

Lab fees, school pictures, lunch money, swim meets, parent meetings, new work routines : I feel like I am being swept away right down the drain. I have no control. Only the desire to get my feet down stream and watch for bumps, push off rocks as I float by.  Is there a current in this chaos?  I am really glad there is only one child left at home to get started in school.

Ok, that is pretty drastic.  But the business of  this week has caught me unprepared to actually breath.

If you read my last post you know that I have partnered with a personal trainer. More of a life coach.  This is my sanity, my downstream current.  When I started with him, I did not know what to expect.  My life was truly circling the drain.  I had let my emotions, my frustrations with Husband being gone all summer get the best of me.  I was making it his fault I was an emotional, chocolate eating mess.  Letting the excuse of having to stay home and take care of Toni, (she is 17 years old and though disabled, can be left alone for an hour while I go for a run,) be my excuse for being lazy. I will direct you to my last post.  No more excuses!

This is week 7 of being mentored by said personal trainer.   Weeks of pools of sweat that could easily be tears.  Tears of frustration (and very sore muscles) turning into tears of victory. I am starting to believe that under my defeated body there is a strong, confident, fierce person.

I am two and a half weeks into learning how to eat "CLEAN".  How to balance proteins, carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables.  I am still very much eating of the written plan given to me, staying strong.  Two and a half weeks and I am down nine pounds!  Personal Trainer says to not focus on the weight loss but on the over all big picture of workouts combined with good nutrition.   Reality Check Here!  Down NINE pounds.  Weighing in lighter than I have been in years! I had to weigh myself three times, just to see if the scale was working properly.

I love this structure to my life.  A well thought out plan for when, and what I am eating, coupled with intentional workouts.  I am starting to fall into the current of  being healthy, physically fit and happy.

 It is the weekends when all are home that I struggle.  Husband's normal is to eat out.  "Let's go get lunch, dinner, lunch, maybe breakfast."  He is getting frustrated at my resistance to eat like I did  three weeks ago.  He struggles with my ordering salad or lettuce wraps.  Today, I did not share popcorn at the movie theatre!  WHAT?   Food is an activity we share.  Until we find something else, like go for a walk or paddle a lake,  or ski,  this CLEAN EATING going to be uncomfortable, and hard on both of us.

When I started this fitness journey, I did not really know what  to expect of myself.  What my goals were.  I gave some pretty lame goals.  Survive ski season, loose weight /feel great, etc.  I need to find my file, make a few amendments.  Something has changed in my heart.  I desire a fierceness I have never felt before.  I want to tackle life like it is a training session in the gym.  I want to walk across the parking lot at Wal Mart and feel the strength in my legs.  I want people to see me as strong both physically and mentally. I want to be able to take a picture of myself and not be ashamed of that fat, tired, lady in the photo.  I want life abundant.

The ski race in Yellowstone this spring, it will happen.  I will be there.  I will be fierce!

The excited current for the new me begging to come out, it's finding its direction.  I like it.

My niece and I in the current of the Main Salmon August 2017
This kind of current is easy to navigate.  Life's current no so easy. 

"You can't drown in your own sweat" and other T-shirt quotes

 "You can't drown in your own sweat!"  

and 

"You are only as strong as your last excuse."

Two T-shirt quotes I have seen lately, that stick out.

For the past month I have been working with a personal trainer.  More of a life coach than trainer as he looks at all aspects of my fitness. (physical, nutrition and at times mental). For a month, I have sweated, grunted and survived through his workouts.  Two days a week I am a little petrified and sort of excited to see what is in store for me at his gym. Bring it on, I say.

Today marks the start of week 5 with him.  Last week was the first week of  radical nutrition switches.   Talk about a huge challenge!  I have lived thinking if I just worked out hard enough I could eat what I wanted.  The calories would take care of themselves.  This is why I need a personal trainer,  a life coach.  He has done the research. He is the certified nutritionist.  And though very nice, he is the strongest, slightly scariest person I know.  His imaginary face on my shoulder keeps me on track through food tough times.  Trust me there are plenty. Week 2 of Nutrition plan shall be a challenge as the newness of eating healthy will become daily life.  (The pizza delivery car just pulled up next door.  Satan, be gone!)

Though I am not super woman by any means, I have started noticing a few changes.  I survived a  five day backpack trip with no serious leg issues.  I am taking stairs with alternating steps.  This is big, as I used to do this left legged shuffle up steps.  I did not know I was until  my eyes were opened to this.  I can sweat for 45 minutes on the Nordic Track.  When I am not sore from a workout, daily life is so much easier.  I have this weird urge to go for a run.  I have not run for pleasure in years.  So, yes, I am making progress.

These T-shirts I have seen lately, they stick out to me. 

I can't drown in my own sweat.   I can leave puddles on the gym floor.  I do leave puddles on the gym floor.  I can be proud of those puddles.  They are products of hard work, of fat melting off and turning into muscle.

I am only as strong as my last excuse.  So no more.  I will not be swayed by sick dogs, backed up sewers into the basement,  busy life or cracked ribs. I will give my best towards a workout every time. I deserve no less.

My goal when I started this journey was to get in shape, to survive ski season. I gave my  personal trainer a bunch of excuses why I am needing him now. (Remember no more excuses.)  I need to throw them away and work on what is in front of me.   It is time to readjust, I want the fit, healthy me.  One, where not only surviving ski season is the goal but,  also being able to bless others while doing it.  I have the West Yellowstone Rendezvous Nordic Ski Race, 25k, in my sights.  I don't want to survive it.  I want to ski it. As Toni, my daughter, says, "I want to be fierce!"

I am finding the current in my chaotic life, in the routine of training, of  workout diaries, and meal diaries.  Though not my entire life focus... It is a good focus.

Who knows I may make the before and after section of the gyms web page yet.

Off The Beaten Path

"I thought it would be easier to come home if I picked a trail in my backyard," says sister of mine.

"Go figure, I survived 5 days in the back country only to fall and crack ribs in my back yard," I counter back.

The Beaten Path as it is called, or as the push is gaining momentum to rename it to the Blaze Trail, starts at Highway 212 close to Cooke City, MT and 26 miles later ends at Alpine, MT.  I grew up in this drainage, hiking running, picking berries, backpacking.  My parents built a cabin just down the road from the Alpine trail head.  I have wanted my children to see  more than just the first few miles for so long.  This year, 30 years waiting with baited breath, I had the honor to travel the entire trail with a group of 4 other ladies.  One being my youngest daughter.

30 years of memory loss, forgetting how steep the trail is, how beautiful the flowers are, how cold the creek crossings are.  In 30 years the rocks got bigger, the cliff at Impass Falls was higher and steeper.   The ground was still hard to sleep on, nights still chilly. Dehydrated food still causes gastric issues.

Me, Neville, Carla,Marci, Toni and Anna

We five women traveled this trail taking care of ourselves. Problem solving, supporting each other, acknowledging we all had different expectations of this trip.  We all came into the trip with our

Anna helping Toni at one of the many crossings

unique set of skills and abilities.  Two mothers, two daughters and one great friend.  (and Neville the token guy though he was a dog). We exited at Alpine as a cohesive family.

My daughter, Toni.  How do I explain her?  High energy, up for and adventure, goofy strong as the next hiker and has Down Syndrome.  Yep, that is right she has a disability.  One that should define what she can and cannot do.  She has never played by the rules.  I was not worried that she would not be able to make the trip.   When it was explained to her that we would see the cabin and her treasured Ipad in five days she exclaimed, "Five days! Oh, No!" Then never looked back.

Hiking like a pro.

I would hope others with Down Syndrome have had the opportunity to hike this trail.  I don't know of any. This makes me beam just a bit.  Toni hiked as one of us, carrying her pack, falling in to the stream, picking flowers, doing the dishes.  A true team member.  Her vision is such that she cannot see the rocks in the trail well.  I would be terrified, not Toni, she kept on going.

So many flowers so little time.

The beauty of this trip.  The quiet, the solitude.  There was no chaos of daily life, just the current of feet hitting the trail.   It was a different trip for me.  I am a river woman.  This was 30 years worth the wait.

Beaten Path you have reclaimed my heart.  I will not wait another thirty years to get back to you.

At the top of the trail.  

The Current in the Chaos

Newly retired husband, husband going back to School,  Special Olympics, school plays, oldest daughter graduating from nursing school, hurt dog, old dog, sick kid at Home, surprise birthday party for a friend, walks in the field, spring flowers starting to bloom, rain, snow, wind, sun, snow, my  own work obligations.   ..... The  month May has been busy and it is only the 6th....take a breath, take a walk, find a puddle to put a boat on, breath.

I changed the name of this blog to" Current in the Chaos" because I think it describes my life so well.  Every morning I wake up with what I think is the plan for the day.  (The Current gong from point A to point B)  Wake up, feed dogs, get grumpy cub Yeti out of bed and ready for the school bus, A pot of tea and the bible, work, then rotate to other work, home to walk dogs, get Cub Yeti off the bus after school, easy afternoon in the backyard or sewing, make dinner, chill with Netflix, go to bed... It sounds great, well laid out, reasonable....This current is strong ever flowing pointing to a destination. There is always an unexpected bump or two, a reroute, a kid throwing up in the back seat of the car.

My life is so much like the river.  I get into the current, sucked into a big rapid,
the concentration is for that moment, to paddle or row through that business to stay upright and survive. I see only that moment in time, my focus us what is right in front of me. It is only looking back on that season of life and understanding that the individual events make up the length of the current. The river is not one rapid but the combination of so many.

 Ski season is a huge canyon of class 4 rapids.  I put my head down take each day each bubble as it's own, getting through  to set up for the next. Eyes front, trying to stay straight, working hard through each event resting when I can.  Focus is on that day's practice, build confidence to race, races build to compete in championships. It is only looking back on the season with my 20/ 20 hindsight that I can see what was truly accomplished.  So many eddies, snags, rapids the current kept us pointed in the right direction.

 I had the privilege of helping with the High School State Meet this year.  The skiers that I coached for their Middle School years are now in High School.  They have grown into fine young adults. Tall with muscles, skiing fast. The boys won their first State Title ever!  My babies have grown up. The thank you for pushing her to ski, from one of the gals, made me want to coach again next year.

I thought the next bend in the current would mean slower water for a bit.  Now it is school plays, Special Olympics, dentist, orthodontist, hurt dogs, sick cub, husband planning real river trips that I cannot find the time to join him on, celebrating oldest cubs's nursing degree, choir concerts, yard work,  rain, snow and wind, moments of sun.  It is a boulder field in the current, every minute different.  Exciting as it seems, it is energy consuming.

Stop and smell the flowers!

How do I find the current in my life?  Every day I pray to God to guide me. Show me the best route.  Some days I have to push through obstacles some days it is easy floating.  Always pointed down stream. Maybe I will get a walk  looking for signs of Spring today.  Sort of like hanging out on a sandy beach resting for a bit.


"You can never step in the same river twice for the waters are constantly flowing."  Heraclitus

Insights of the Yeti's Mother (Yeti Momma)

 Being the blood and flesh mother of the Rogue Yeti, (Yep, I was there when he was born.) I share his desire to share the natural world with others.  My middle age, shorter than him views. Being a "old dude," paddler as one twenty something paddler called me last year, a mother and a bad ass Duckie paddler/swimmer, what I see and feel on the river will always be different than the Yeti's.

Therefore, I am going to pirate the Rogue Yeti's blog (RogueYetiBlog@blogspot.com) every once in a while.  For it is good to have multiple views on the same subject.

This Spring Break the family who still lives at home,

Sand Island Boat Launch

(Papa Yeti, Momma Yeti, Cub Yeti) floated what has become a traditional Spring Break raft trip.   The San Juan River, from Sand Island Launch Site to the town of Mexican Hat, UT.  25 miles of river, the top 7 being part of the new monument created when the Bears Ears National Monument was reduced to 2 small pieces.  I am not sure of the name of said monument as the signs in the area still say Bears Ears.  Our family has floated this river before the Bear's Ears was a Monument.  It was never the monument status that drew us to the San Juan but accessibility in March to an open floatable river.

The San Juan flows through a canyon taking millions of years to make.  The top 25 miles not so severe as the bottom 50 miles.  The left river bank always Navajo land requiring an extra permit to camp or hike on, right side is BLM, State Park, Monument or Private.   The management of the land has changed but the river always stays constant, ever flowing toward Lake Powell.  It has no argument with anybody,  it cannot protect itself from anybody either.

River House
March 2018

March 2011, we discovered this river in a joint adventure with extended family from Montana.  There are so many pictures from that trip of us standing in awe of  the cliff dwelling, River House, petrotglyphs, cactus, canyon walls and green plants in March.  Things that eight years later still inspire awe but also feel comfortable.  The Yeti was in his Senior year of High School, Sister Yeti just starting college,  the Cub only 10 years old. Mama and Papa Yeti look younger but a bit uncomfortable.  The rhythm of the river not yet in our bones.  We have all grown up so much.

Dinner on the Grill

This year I felt like I was home.  Going to sleep in tent pitched in the sand or on the bank of the river was peaceful. Sleep comes fast, deep and refuels the body. The river kitchen has become my favorite kitchen. Cooking fun meals with the sand blowing through camp is simple, slow and relaxing. There is something about a fire at night in the fire pit. The orange glow on tired faces, the warm circle we have all tucked into, telling stories of childhood memories.

The canyon light changes through the day, morning to evening then dark.  It makes shadows, cliffwalls, the water and even the boats feel alive and ever changing. It is not Spring on the calendar and yet we spend days in shorts and t-shirts.  This river, this land, is life.

Brownies cooked in Oranges
in the coals/

I take photos to freeze memories.  To remember how it feels in the first morning sun, the taste  of the brownies cooked in oranges,  how cold the water was in the rapid, or just the contentment of sitting by the fire. These memories make up the trip as we cannot stay on the river forever.