Is that Me?

I knew my photo was going to be posted on the Transform307's Facebook page.  While I was grunting away and leaving little sweat puddles on the ground Matt was taking pictures.  He does that sometimes.  So why does this surprise me?

It is the photos themselves.  Who is that strong, thin, muscular person in those photos? I am in awe of her.  She is doing great things!  Truly this is not me!

Muscle has memory and my muscles remember a heavy, slow, tired, frustrated me. A me before meeting Matt Hartsky and the Transform307 family.  Life when movement was hard. When food was a crutch.  Being held to this earth by 204 pounds.  

There are very few pictures of me, at  204 pounds.  I hated what I saw.  I hated knowing that was how others saw me.  Pictures have a way of telling the truth.   Outwardly saying to go ski, move, enjoy life.  Inwardly reaching for that last cookie. Always saying I will do better tomorrow.  Living in my extra large clothes, trying to hide the rolls of fat hanging over my waistband of my pants.  Pretending I was actually fit, strong, healthy.  Knowing I was not.

This is the person my muscles and brain remember the most. I keep buying clothes that are too big, thinking I could never be that small.   Looking in the mirror tonight, I do not see the strong confident person in these photos taken today.  My eyes must have a vivid long term memory.  They see me as older, chubby and weak. My brain tells me I am tired.  My stomach says one cookie won't hurt the nutrition plan.   What baggage am I still holding on to? What emotional crutches or scars are so deep that I cannot let go? Why can I not see  myself for the person I am today?

Then I see the picture on Facebook. I have to stare.  I ask who is the person in the pictures?

It is the me I desire to become.  The me taking on life.  Getting strong, healthy and yes skinny! It is the me who has taken on three half marathons and a 25km ski race this year.  The me who is going to make her goal of 2019  miles, (running, walking or skiing,) in 2019. It is the me who has been in the gym three mornings a week and on the trails, road or cardio machine the other days, every day for over a year and a half.  It is the me who has left 60 pounds of baggage, emotional and physical, on that gym floor in sweat puddles. It is a fierce me. Ready to take on life me.

The gal in these photos.  It is the me I want to be.  I like her!