Boulder Rhythm Retreat 2015

      The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD for the LORD is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.  After the fire came a gentle whisper.   When Elijah heard it he pulled his cloak over his head and stood at the mouth of the cave…….The LORD said to him, ”Go back the way you came.”      1King 19:11-2,15

And the LORD told me, “Go to the retreat, be in my presence for I am about to pass by!”  Planning, understanding bosses, good roads, it all worked out.  I was preparing myself for greatness, for life changing times.  HE promised me to be near.

I feel the wind in the circle.  The energy of the drums.  No, it is the earthquake.  I can’t decide.  The pulse the loudness.  I am lost in the repeating of my internal rhythm pounded hand to drum.  Into my sole.  The energy consumes me.  I have to be careful. I could easily have my world blown away, my mountain torn apart. I feel like I can climb into the crevasse the earthquake has left, hide in the rhythm.  3,4,5, the cycles merge so does my pulse.

The dance, the drums are such a part of this.  The energy hits me in the face, hot and sweaty. I twist, turn, hop and sweat until the wind I have created has blown off my outer shell.  I am left with my inner core exposed.  It takes 2 full days for the wind to fully blow my shell away.  The fight to hold on to self- consciences me is strong.  My temple, my body, finally crumbles.  It leaves me raw and trembling.  It frees me to dance in the middle of the circle, to be the real me.  No more hiding.  No apology.

The fire comes not in anger or destruction but in love.  Love that I see in Matthew’s face when he finds a tone or rhythm that is good to him.  Love in sharing his gift of the love of music with others.  Love from the artists preparing our meals.  Love from the building of a camp family.  Fire from the affirmation to love each other openly without apology.

Between the wind, earthquake and the fire I find myself hearing a still small voice.  GOD’s voice.  Sometimes I search for it, sometimes it is right on my shoulder singing in my ear.

God tells me he is so proud of his creation in us.  He sees and feels all we do. (After all we were made in his image!) His joy is being able to experience our rejoice, our praise.  His pride in us is the same as when we are proud of our children; when they play and sing and learn and dance, or do even greater things.  He is proud of the connections we have made, of the family we have become.  We care for each other, affirming great things, like new drums or rhythms learned, and we love each other this week. 

Early morning, in that place between wakefulness and sleep, where dreams are real and fairies live, I hear HIM.  HIS voice it comes in the form of a harp or flute.  The harp plays “PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON.” Same song Toni was singing yesterday.  The flute is filled with sorrow and longing for those spirits who have given up their physical bodies.  I share this longing, this sorrow.  I to know loss.  I am reminded that the people I carry in my heart are still with me.  They all have had a part in creating the person I am today.  I pass them on to my children.  In me they have eternity.

God says that if I truly want to see his face, I must  look into a child’s eyes.  This group of youngsters is growing up.  Trying to be adult but at the same time not really excited about the adult activities. We adults give them the space they need.  I am honored they want to play with me. That they feel safe to include me in a game.  Just for a few minutes I am one of them, I see who they truly are. The future, my future.

Just as Elijah was told to go back down the mountain, so must I.  I leave tired but loved and beautiful.  I feel alive with the person I have become.  I desire to live in this being the rest of my life.  I am holding tight to the Boulder River feeling.  The drive back to civilization, dirt road then black top to the highway to Red Lodge, stop at a gas station for junk food and a soda.  It eases me back into the real world, baby steps one at a time. 

 As we drive my phone finds service.  Over and over it chimes in, 20 texts over 30 emails. Reality hits it does not pull punches.    Gma though only 5 feet tall has in her pushy, grumpy, self- centered way, managed to crush Tall Son's heart.  Constant demands and never a thank you for work done.  Only reminders that he should feel obligated to help her because she is family. She cannot understand that in his eyes he will never be good enough for her.  

It takes me less than 5 minutes back to become fat, old and uncomfortable in my own skin.  My tummy is too big and my skirt (the one I am a little proud to have made myself,) does not fit right.  Maybe I should wear clothes more age appropriate!  YEOW!!  Welcome to reality.

I fight the urge to spray someone in the face with my new improved squirt gun.  My car wants to make a U-turn and go back to the retreat.  Alas, I must go back down the mountain the way I came.  For GOD has commanded it.  I drag my feet and take 6 more days to float rivers and play.  I hold on to the Rhythm of the retreat just as much as I can.  It will slip away soon enough as my life gets busy with daily obligations.

5 Days of the Boulder Rhythm Retreat, wrapped in gold, stored in my heart.  This is my gift to myself.  I will take the package out often. ( I have video in my IPAD!) The memories are mine to cherish until I can get back next year.